Seeing
Today I’m thirty-nine weeks along. One week from this baby’s due date.
In a week or so, depending on when she decides to show up, I’ll be a mom. And my life will be different.
I remember very clearly walking across campus at BYU as a freshman and having a sudden vivid image of my mom at BYU also as a freshman, walking to classes, dating, preparing for dental school, recent valedictorian of her high school, a California girl, vocal soloist, cute, young, and single. Not a mom, not my mom, just herself. A whole life of her own long before I was a part of it.
When you’re a kid, I think it’s just really difficult to see your parents as a person with their own life separate from yours and especially before your own life.
I’ve thought about that moment a hundred times in the last six and a half years, and I’ve thought about it even more frequently since I’ve been pregnant.
I know how I see myself – someone who loves to read, who is good in school, who hates a messy house, who loves to cook, who likes ethnic foods, who waits for the weekly grocery mailers to come as if it’s Christmas, who loves to get on airplane, who hates a real winter, who loves checking things of a to-do list, who was born in the Midwest, grew up in Las Vegas, and fell in love with Texas.
I have a masters degree, I lived in the dorms at BYU, I worked for a Fortune 500 company in Austin, I was on the speech and debate team at my high school, I played the violin for five years, I went on Study Abroad in London for eight weeks, eight months after I got married.
I have a whole lifetime of experiences before this baby ever came on the scene, and I think it will be a long time before she or my other children can or even think to look at me as someone other than their mom.
I wonder how they’ll see me; I wonder how it will change the way I see myself.
I think that's one of the reasons I've loved my 50s so much. I finally have the time and a bit more resources to be "me" again, instead of everything going towards the mom role. It's been surprisingly difficult to remember and recapture me again. And it's been fun to discover that the things I loved at 19 are still the things I love now!
This made me happy.
jj
PS Now when I see that you've posted I anxiously think "Is it time?!"
Good luck buddy.
Do you keep a journal? I've got a boxful of journals, mostly from middle and high school. I wonder what I'm going to do with them, how I'll reveal them to my kids and grandkids.
When my grandma turned 80 she typed up a few benign selections from her journals and then burned all of them in her backyard. I couldn't help but feel cheated. On the other hand, it's not a bad idea…
I am also checking every day to see when this baby comes. I can't wait! (I mostly want to know what her name will be…) Yay for baby Bradshaw!!!
And you will be a great MOM! You are such a true and wonderful young lady – your daughter(s) will always love you…. and you are right – they will only see you as a mother for many many years. Isn't that funny how that work? Where is the 39th week picture??? You and Bart are in my prayers – everything will be more wonderful that you can ever imagine! xoxo
You'll love it in five or so years when she starts asking you questions about your life before she was born and things you did as a kid. It is fun to share those things with my older boys now. They ask some pretty funny questions (and insightful).
Love this post. I am so excited for you to meet your baby girl, it is the most incredible experience EVER. I have learned so much more about myself as a person since becoming a mother. Some of it is a major reality check (hello lack-of-patience when sleep deprived!) and some of it is pleasantly surprising (learning to deal with so many things and keep my cool). This is a wonderful adventure you and Bart are embarking on. Good luck!
i think you will love the new person being a mom makes you. It gives you such a higher purpose, something you just can't be or accomplish any other way. Its hard to explain, but after a while you will understand. If you haven't, you should search some talks on lds.org about motherhood. The apostles always have an amazing way of making mothers feel special. Or the current video that is on mormon messages is amazing. Those kind of things make me so so happy I made the decision to have a baby, even if I was really young.
I love this, I'd love to be able to use this as a guest post on my motherhood blog (www.livinginthemotherhood.blogspot.com)
Let me know if I can at livinginthemotherhood.gmail.com Thanks!