A Parenting Choice I (Usually) Keep to Myself
In about five weeks, Ella will be two years old.
Maybe you think that’s too old for a pacifier. But Ella still has one. And I have no plans to get rid of it.
I wasn’t always this parent. I cannot tell you the number of nights I lay awake in bed, stressing about how to wean her from it, if the loss of the pacifier (“paci” in our house) would mean an end to naps and easy bedtimes, if, if, if. . .
And then, about three months ago, Bart said to me, “Why are you wanting to get rid of it?”
I realized the main reason I wanted to get rid of it was because I felt like I should. Like it was proof I was a bad parent if I let her keep it past a year or eighteen months or two years. Like “good” parents got rid of them at the earliest possible moment.
Bart pointed out that she is a magnificent night sleeper, that putting her to bed or down for naps is extremely-low hassle, and that the paci makes her happy.
Why the shame about pacifier use? I recently found out that a friend of mine kept hers until she was SEVEN. And guess what? She’s a perfectly functional, lovely adult. And I won’t pretend that one of the reasons I loved Bringing Up Bebe was that she mentioned early on how French children often keep their pacifiers until three or four years old. It’s not as if a pacifier indicates anything except that a child associates this little piece of plastic with comfort.
But obviously the fact that I generally refrain from mentioning this to anyone suggests that I do feel a little insecure in my parenting choice here. Or at least live in fear of judgement.
We are fairly strict about the pacifier use – since before Ella’s first birthday, it’s been strictly for the crib only. She only has a single pacifier (which made for a stressful afternoon when she was ten months old and dropped it out of the side of the stroller at Disneyland) and it never leaves her crib. She willingly takes it out before she gets out of bed, and I keep it in the far corner where she can’t reach it on her own from outside the crib.
She’s been a pretty adaptable child thus far (switching between nursing and a bottle without difficulty and then, when our single bottle broke just after her first birthday, making the leap to a sippy cup without complaint), and so I’m holding out hope that when we do decide to get rid of it, it won’t ruin her life. She’s also very reasonable (or, you know, as reasonable as two-year-olds can be), so I think she may understand when it’s time to get rid of it.
But I’m just fine with that time not being now.
This post is sponsored by Disney Baby. I’ll be joining the Disney Baby blogging
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Scott was a finger sucker until I finally found a trick that got him to stop at 3 1/2, but I suspect he was just finally ready. And Kate is still going strong sucking her thumb at almost 3. My dentist says not to worry about it until after 3, and even then not to stress too much – so I don't. My dad is always getting on our case about it, but I try to just ignore him. He doesn't understand. Stopping Scott sooner proved impossible. And why shouldn't a pacifier be okay for that long too? Maybe that's just a natural age when kids are ready to stop. Maybe each kid will just be done when they're ready. And I WISH my kids hadn't refused pacifiers, because when it IS time to stop, it's much easier to get rid of a pacifier than fingers and thumbs! So I guess my point is, don't beat yourself up. I think kids being able to soothe themselves is a FABULOUS thing. Claire was the only one of my kids who never had any kind of comfort object or sucking habit, and she was a ROYAL PAIN to get to sleep until she was about 4.
Way to be brave. Annie is three and cannot stop sucking her fingers to go to sleep. Wonder what the trick was the above commenter used… Your daughter is SO adorable, thanks for posting more pictures of her.
Bart sounds very wise. I'm pretty sure that our society, to a large degree, puts to much pressure on certain things happening at certain times. Potty-training is probably another good example from a different angle. It is different for every child and parenting situation, so why should we stress ourselves so much? You're a great mom!
I nearly kissed my pediatrician at Levi's 2 year appointment when I mentioned he uses a pacifier to sleep and she said, "You're moving again in 6 months, right? Don't take it away from him until long after you've moved back to Cambridge. It'll help him feel safe and comfortable through all these transitions."
I am whole heartedly following her advice.
It seems to me that there's not a lot of difference between a pacifier and any other kind of blankie/lovie/comfort device. I sucked my thumb until I was three and it's not like my parents could take that away from me – they just had to convince me that I couldn't suck it forever. The crib only idea sounds brilliant, and if my child is a pacifier baby, I might try to implement that so that it's more of a soothing at night thing than a suck on constantly so you never see her mouth thing. (Also, I love the increase of posts about motherhood lately, because I always read your stuff and go, "I want to be like Janssen when I'm a mom!" (But then, I think "I want to be like Janssen" when I read most of your posts, so nothing new there.)
All three of my kids had their paci's till they were 3. Same rules as you during naps and bed only. I felt the same way. Why take it away when it makes them happy and comforts them. My oldest daughter even called it her "happy". I say do whatever works for you and your child, and who cares what others think. My kids all adjusted to the change very quickly after a day or two and at that point they were old enough to discuss it rationally. Enjoy the good sleeping while you can 🙂
I love their little faces when they're suck suck sucking. Clearly I have many issues when it comes to my babies growing up. Can we say denial?
Also, goodbye naps once it's taken away.
This brought tears to my eyes because I have been struggling with this very thing! Grandma gets mad when she has it, babysitter judges me when she sees her with it and you know, Bart is right. WHY take it away? If it helps them sleep better, so be it. Thank you thank you for this post.
We haven't had any pacifier loving babies yet, but Will sucks his finger and shows NO signs of giving that up any time soon. (He's 2 1/2.) I'm not worrying about it yet!
The twins kept theirs well into 3 1/2. I did restrict it to nightime use, which was super easy.
The only thing I can say about it, it did leave it' mark- in the form of the kid's teeth. The binkies (sorry that's what we called them) did a number on their crowding issue, which they would have anyway, was made measurably worse by all the binkies.
…however I don't think I would have done it any differently.
I like how you are handling this. She'll probably get rid of all by herself.
The reason most experts say to get rid of them by 1 is because of the interference it can cause with teeth, gum, and jaw development. The longer a child has a pacifier the more likely they are to need orthodontic work in the future. It's possible that expert opinions have changed in recent years (and if they haven't just give them time, they will change eventually). I promise I'm not posting this comment to be judgmental in any way.. I'm just trying to provide the explanation behind the argument for getting rid of them. Oh, and I think I've also read that pacifiers can interfere with speech development as well.
Hear, hear! Our two 1/2 year old still her "bink" for the same reasons. She is a ridiculously easy little child who never puts up a fight about anything, why get rid of something that is causing no problems? It's also restricted to bed use, as are our girls "special" blankets. My four year old still sucks her thumb and I'm also not worried about that. She only does it as she is falling asleep. So why make a big deal about something that lasts fifteen minutes every day and makes life so much easier? Fooey to the prescriptive parents.
We call ours the paci as well. I think I've heard Erin's comment's research before too. But since everyone gets braces anyway, why not?!
But really, kudos for doing what works for you.
I'm going to chime in from the medical point of view…well, okay…dental. I'm a dentist and I typically am pretty mild about the pacifier issue from a professional standpoint. Can pacifiers cause damage to the dentition? Yes. They can mold the arch and cause a "v" shape that will result in the permanent teeth coming in sideways. However…the way you're doing it, I see no reason to be concerned. Ella isn't using the paci all day and she isn't glued to it. (Children who have the pacifier all day will be more at risk for jaw abnormalities and speech issues.) As long as you monitor her mouth for changes, you're fine (and I don't expect you to find any). I typically recommend "weaning" off of pacifiers and finger habits around the age of 7 – when the permanent teeth will be coming in.
Both my sweet children kept their pacifiers (paci at our house also) well past the standard time, gliding right into the French bebe time! I remember snarky people in the checkout line giving me the "look" and I just smiled back. We made up a song about preschool and giving up the paci-that's what finally did it. I love that you tell the Disney story right in between the "we always keep the paci in the crib" story. It is wonderful that you've set up parameters which keep her from begging for it.
I love this post (and the comments) so very much. Hannah still has her paci and I could not care less. She uses it to go to sleep, but she spits it out during the night every night and doesn't cry or need it back, so I am fine with it. She uses it a lot during the day, too. It seems to help with her teething (she is not a fan of teething toys) and keeps her from putting other things in her mouth. Like someone else mentioned, she will find one around the house (we have three), squeal with delight, and pop it in her mouth. It's cute! Yesterday I quite enjoyed watching her try to jam the one she found in the stroller in her mouth when she already had another one in there 🙂
Seriously, it does them no harm and I cannot see a reason to start a battle needlessly. My friend is trying to sleep train her 4 month old to sleep without his paci and it is not going well and I have to bite my tongue so hard. Whhhhhy put yourself through the sleepless nights? He was sleeping great before they decided to cut the paci!
I was browsing your archives for book suggestions for my daughter (she'll be two in March), and had to comment on this post. I totally had the same realization when E was 18 months old that I was just feeling pressure to get rid of her paci, when really I had no problem with her keeping it (hers also stays in the crib). I had always thought it was a dental issue, but that doesn't seem to be true. Thanks for making me feel slightly justified in decision (or non-decision). Love your blog!