Cover Up

We went to Schlitterbahn today (it’s supposedly the best water park in the country). And frankly, we’ll probably never go back. It was a cool park and all, but the lines! I do not enjoy standing in line for an hour for a 2 minute tube ride. I think I will homeschool my kids solely so that we can always go to parks on weekdays and avoid lines. Besides, I sort of adore Disneyland and how everything is so well-maintained and so clean and nice. It makes it a bit hard to go somewhere where trash litters the ground, everything runs in a bit of a haphazard manner, and many rides look a bit of the duct tape and twine variety.

The other disturbing thing to me was how many people thought their bikini was a really fabulous idea. My mom likes to joke that people in Vegas (people on vacation down at the Strip, not necessarily the people who live there) seem to lose all sense of reality about what is appropriate to wear; you see people wearing clothing that ought never have been purchased, let alone placed on their bodies. Stretchy gold mini-skirts, tiny little tube tops, etc. You think of the worst outfit you can imagine on a body least suited to that outfit and you will see it within 10 minutes of people-watching on the Strip.

I think water parks are even worse. We saw approximately 10,000 people today, and we determined that only about 3 of them should have been wearing a bikini. It’s not that people can’t wear anything they darn well please. It’s that even the thin ones would have looked so much better in a one piece swimsuit where their flab would have been better concealed, their swimsuit would have not been so droopy, and their less-than-perfect skin would have been all nicely covered. I saw enough cellulite to scare me into the gym for another 50 years.

I mean, I’m pretty tiny (barely 101 pounds clothed and with tennis shoes on), I haven’t been pregnant, and I workout regularly, and I would still never wear a bikini because, frankly, I don’t like my stomach enough to force 10,000 people to witness it. And I feel quite confident in saying that after 10 more years and several babies, I will probably be even less likely to want to do so.

I cover my stomach as a public service for my fellowmen. And I’d sure love it if they’d do the same.

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  1. I actually really liked Schlitterbahn when I went, but I think I did go on a weekday.

    Also, thanks for the bit about swimsuits. When I was at Lagoon, I noticed the exact same thing. There were some perfectly nice-looking girls who I ordinarily would not say were fat, but when they put on a bikini they looked fat. I think the problem is that Americans tend to think, “I know I look good, and all those people who think I don’t look good need to get over it.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say how attractive they were when really…well, they just weren’t.

  2. Oh my goodness. Amen. We used to go to Wet n Wild in Vegas and seriously want to pass a law that bikinis can only be made until a certain size (that size being a 2).

    painful. and amen about doing our fellowmen a favor. I’m 135, size 8, and not only will you never catch me dead in a bikini, but I’m one of those fully-clothed swimmers! 🙂 t-shirt, shorts, etc…

  3. I had a good laugh while reading your post. I think you put the case very well, and I agree with you 100%. And don’t worry, you won’t ever see me in a bikini. I admit I tried it once (really a two-piece bathing suit) to please Bart’s dad, but I never felt comfortable. (Fortunately it was only when his dad and I were alone in the pool). At this point in time, you will rarely find me in a bathing suit at all. Fortunately, I don’t have to visit any water parks.

  4. Hee hee! I always laugh at the bikini-wearers too. I am thankful for them, though. Sometimes, especially after seeing too many perfect Hollywood bodies on TV, I feel frusterated at my own body. A trip to the waterpark helps me realize that my body is actually pretty great.

  5. yeah, not patient enough to wait at any park. I don’t do parks.
    pretty funny, your descriptions of the people on the strip. While you, bless your heart, have a fabulous body and probably can flunt it too bad the ones that should obviously know “how” to flunt their bodies have a problem doing it correctly. I think if you get the right bikini size with a nice stylish wrap anyone could look fab.

  6. Add me to the list of people who totally agree with you! It’s scary out there on beaches and at water parks.

    My food blog is at

  7. Oh my. I have to agree with you. I go through these same thoughts whenever I go to the beach. We just don’t need to see it all!

  8. One thing you didn’t mention about bikinis. Is this a water park with slides? Because it has been my experience that if you don’t have on a one piece you might come up from the water with pieces rearranged, so to speak. I think Bikinis are great if you are under 10 but after, usually only if you wear a size 1 or 2.

  9. Sooo behind you on the bikini thing. Pre-pregnancy I might have been able to rock the bikini. That doesn’t mean I did. And very few others should either. I think I may have actually blogged about this same thing once…totally grosses me out.

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